Mar 14, 2020 | All Posts
Reading Time: 2 minutes
It’s crucial to manage your conflicts effectively. In fact, your life depends on it. When left unchecked conflict has the potential to take over our lives, destroy relationships and erode our confidence in the future.
For more than 30 years I have helped people and organizations resolve conflicts as a mediator, facilitator, arbitrator and conflict coach. Most of that work occurred in the late stages of the conflict after much of the damage had been done. While better late than never, I saw businesses go bankrupt, families destroyed, important relationships severed, and fortunes consumed in legal costs.
The most effective way to avoid these issues is to get in front of your conflict before it spirals out of control. With this in mind, I have shifted my focus from late resolution to early intervention to empower people to turn conflict into opportunity.
The Resolution Formula
Conflict is born in our stories of the past about what happened to us and what we make it mean. Resolution occurs when we shift our focus away from fault and blame about the past and how we were impacted, to the future and what we can do about it. This involves our willingness to share our emotions and their meanings fully. The aim here is for understanding rather than a debate about right and wrong.
Based on this shared understanding we can co-create options for resolution that work for both parties’ interests and needs. This shift is difficult and takes careful preparation, but will make all the difference in the end.
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
– Rumi
Please contact us to book a FREE consultation for all your conflict management needs:
[email protected]
403-801-0234
Below are some of the services we offer:
- Conflict Management Coaching.
- Custom Designed Dispute Resolution Processes.
- Neutral 3rd Party Mediation and Facilitation,
- Workshops and Training Programs.
Mar 2, 2020 | All Posts
Reading Time: 2 minutes
Conflict is inevitable and everywhere. The way we manage our conflicts has a tremendous impact on our success and satisfaction in life.
Imagine the final moments of a championship minor hockey game. The kids have played their hearts out and are locked in a tie game. The stands are filled with cheering family and friends. The referee misses a close call at the blueline and one team scores to win the game. Instantly half the stands are outraged, and half are ecstatic. If you were to meet with parents from each team the next day you would hear two very different stories of what happened and what they made it mean.
We can consider a number of conclusions about the nature of conflict from this simple example:
1st – Conflict exists in our stories of the past about what happened to us and what we made it mean. When our stories are different in ways that matter to us, we can have conflict.
2nd – Conflict occurs when someone does something or fails to do something that blocks our access to what’s important to us. We think it shouldn’t be this way and so we react.
3rd – We get trapped in our conflict stories. When an event triggers a negative emotion such as anger, fear or frustration, our very identity can feel at risk. We focus on fault and blame and on who is right or wrong.
4th – We often look to support our position in the conflict. We share our stories and their meanings with others in order to get them on our side. If we involve a lawyer, we expect them to champion our story.
We are always going to have different stories and different meanings because:
- · We have different backgrounds and life experiences.
- · We have different values and beliefs.
- · We have different information.
- · We interpret and judge differently.
- · We have different interests and needs.
When we learn to manage our conflicts effectively our lives simply work better.
Please contact us to book a FREE consultation for all your conflict management needs:
[email protected]
403-801-0234
Below are some of the services we offer:
- Conflict Management Coaching.
- Custom Designed Dispute Resolution Processes.
- Neutral 3rd Party Mediation and Facilitation,
- Workshops and Training Programs.
Sep 23, 2019 | All Posts
Reading Time: < 1 minute
My first mediation with First Nations occurred in the early 1990s. It took place at a school gymnasium in a small community on the edge of Wood Buffalo National Park. Virtually the whole community, from toddlers to grandmothers, attended and had their say.
I learned many lessons in that school gym and they have informed my process to this day. Here is a brief summary of them:
- Begin by designing the process with them. That’s how I ended up in the gym. Take the time to learn how they want to participate. They have been reaching consensus solutions for hundreds of years.
- Acknowledge and accept their deep commitment to the land. It is central to their way of life and how they see their future.
- Listen to the elders. They are the keepers of their oral history, which is central to their cultural identity.
- Know that they expect the faults of the past to be acknowledged and addressed. Apologies are all well and good but they want and deserve real change for the future. It does not always look like our future.
- Be patient and learn. The lessons of the past need to guide our co-creation of a future that fosters partnerships and produces shared benefits to all participants.
For more information about this topic please contact us at:
[email protected]
403-801-0234
Aug 29, 2019 | All Posts
Reading Time: 2 minutes
We negotiate with ourselves and with others every day of our lives. For the most part these negotiations are not emotionally charged, but they certainly can be.
When someone’s actions or lack thereof blocks access to something that is important to us, this can cause a strong emotional response. Think of your reaction when someone cuts you off while driving: instant, righteous anger.
While not always easy, it’s crucial that we pause and consider what’s causing our reactions and how best to deal with them. Always prepare before you negotiate.
Here are 4 simple steps to help you manage emotions in a high-stakes negotiation.
1) Explore your own story to separate what happened—the facts—from what you made it mean. Look at the judgements, assumptions, and interpretations you hold, and the emotions attached to them. Acknowledge those emotions but don’t let them control you and muddle the facts at hand.
2) Put yourself in their shoes. Make a guess as to what they think happened and what they made it mean. Do your best to capture their story for facts, meaning and emotions. When you demonstrate you have reflected on what’s important to them, it enhances the likelihood that they will hear what you have to say without it triggering a negative emotional response.
3) At the start of your negotiation share what you have done to prepare and why. Invite them to share with you what is most important to them. Use your preparation to reflect and affirm your understanding and acknowledge their emotional drivers. When you think they feel heard you can share your own story.
4) Be prepared to discuss the facts but avoid making it a debate about right and wrong. Acknowledge the facts that are in issue and seek to agree on a practical way to resolve those factual discrepancies. If negative emotions arise, take a break. Remember you want to shift the focus from the past and a debate about fault and blame to a dialogue about the future and the co-creation of a solution that meets all the party’s interests and needs.
If your negotiation is difficult enough you can get help from a conflict coach for your preparation and from a mediator to facilitate your negotiation process.
For more information about these Steps or assistance with difficult negotiations contact:
[email protected]
403-801-0234
