Sep 22, 2020 | All Posts
Reading Time: 4 minutes
“Breath on a mirror. If it fogs over, you have conflict.”
This phrase signifies an undeniable fact of life: that conflict is inevitable and everywhere. How we manage our conflicts will have a tremendous impact on our personal and business success and satisfaction.
The Nature of Conflict
Before we can deal with a challenge, we need to understand it. What I am about to share with you is an over simplification of what are often complex matters. All conflict exists in our stories of the past about what happened to us and what we made it mean.
When we bring that story with its emotionally charged meanings into the present moment and we enroll others in our saga of fault and blame we can find ourselves trapped in conflict. The damage escalates when we project our conflict stories into our future and live into them. Communications breakdown and become accusatory. Long standing relationships become toxic. Hopelessness looms and “war” feels inevitable.
These beliefs about right and wrong are closely tied to our identity and values. When we feel that those are threatened, we enroll allies and eventually lawyers to validate our position and weaken our opponents. We become invested in our stories as the best and often the only way to get our interests and needs met.
Escaping from the Trap of Conflict
The 12th century Sufi mystic, Jalal al-din Muhammad Rumi, provided some wisdom about how to break free of this trap. He wrote:
“Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
In order to gain access to Rumi’s field it is first necessary to step back from your own story and separate what actually happened, the facts, from what you made those facts mean, your judgements, interpretations, and assumptions. You can also make your best guess as to how the other party sees the facts and what they made them mean. When you do this work well, you open up a whole new range of possible options for resolution. You will likely find that much of the conflict is in the meanings.
You can get help from family, friends and professional advisors but remember you want their objective insights not simply their buy in to your conflict story.
Why Mediate?
Simply stated mediation is Rumi’s field in action. A mediator is a neutral 3rd party empowered by an agreement among the parties to facilitate communication and intervene appropriately to assist the parties in their negotiations.
I often get asked by lawyers or their clients, “Why should we mediate when negotiations have stalled, and we already know what the other side is going to say?” – this is the trap of conflict and it is a runaway train with few ways off short of the courthouse steps.
Mediation is a much-needed pit stop along the tracks that gives all those involved a chance to pause and re-focus on options for resolution. It can accommodate creative solutions that are outside the litigation box and often not available to Judges. It allows the clients themselves to retain the final say over their outcomes. When it is properly designed and well managed it engages the parties in their own unique and confidential collaboration.
Designing a Mediation that Works
The role of a mediator is often misunderstood. Similarly, the roles of counsel, parties and other advisors may be unclear. Too often mediation is viewed as something that is being done to the parties rather than with them. This can result in fuzzy or muddled expectations, and ultimately a failed process. It follows that something this important to the immediate well-being of the parties deserves to be carefully designed and properly understood.
Mediations are not all the same. One size does not fit all. It is critically important to select a mediator who understands how to design and conduct a mediation that is the right balance of facilitation and evaluation for your particular case.
What does a Mediator really do?
Firstly, the mediator acts as a facilitator of conversations between parties that empowers them to share their stories of what happened and what they made it mean. The goal of these conversations is to reach a shared understanding not a debate about fault and blame. Based on this shared understanding the mediator assists the parties in identifying their key interests and needs. This process creates options for future resolution that address both parties underlying interests.
Second is the role of referee. The mediator observes the play of emotions in the negotiations and steers the conversation away from fault and blame. Like a hockey referee they blow down the offsides and help the parties manage the emotions that so often accompany a conflict. They take breaks and help the parties to re-focus and return to effective negotiations.
Third is the role of evaluator. At the appropriate time and in the right circumstances a mediator may act as an evaluator of the positions that parties or their lawyers take in the negotiation. They may provide a reality check about the legal and practical attachments to the past that are the roadblocks and barriers to a resolution.
Mediation is a voluntary process. The power to intervene effectively in these roles is granted by the party’s express agreement. A mediation will be successful when the right parties armed with the right information are well prepared and committed to a custom-designed mediation process.
Mediators help the parties find Rumi’s field. Once there they will see their conflict not as an unsurmountable task, but as mere hurdles to overcome. When these conflicts are managed effectively your life simply works better.
For more information about the design of your mediation please contact us at:
[email protected]
403-801-0234
Jul 16, 2020 | All Posts
Reading Time: 5 minutes
Planning a Successful Wealth Transition
By Cindy Radu and David Gould
What do you know about the importance of a successful wealth transition?
When a wealth transition is not planned successfully, it can put a family in conflict and send them into a financial and emotional crisis. Here is one story about wealth transition and how unaddressed conflict in a family and lack of communication can tear families apart.
A Story About the Bailey Family
Unfortunately, this story is one that is all too common.
Mr. and Mrs. Bailey, both in their 60s, have two children – Jeff and Anne. Jeff and his wife, Sue, have three children. Anne is single and does not have any children. Mr. and Mrs. Bailey worked very hard in BizCo – the business they founded over 35 years ago.
Through the growth in value of BizCo, as well as savvy personal investments, the Baileys accumulated significant wealth and decided it was time to think about the future of BizCo and what to do with their wealth.
Jeff rose to a senior executive position in BizCo and was responsible for its recent substantial growth, but Anne insisted she had no interest in the family business and refused to take on any role in the company. Jeff often butted heads with his dad, especially over Anne’s refusal to help out at BizCo.
The Baileys had not developed communication, conflict resolution, or decision-making skills as a family unit.
Over time conflicts were left unaddressed and tensions among family members built up. Their family dynamics were unhealthy and – at times – downright dysfunctional. These conflicts exposed vulnerabilities in the family business and the family itself.
Without consulting Jeff or Anne, Mr. Bailey engaged accounting, tax, and estate planning advisors to develop a business transition strategy and estate plan.
Not surprisingly, when Mr. Bailey presented the plan to his family as a fait accompli, they blew up. Jeff threatened to withdraw from the business and Sue threatened to prevent the grandparents from seeing their grandchildren. Anne stormed out of the room and refused to have further discussions with anyone.
Mrs. Bailey was terribly upset at the thought of never seeing her grandchildren and was surprised by Jeff, Sue and Anne’s reaction to what she and Mr. Bailey thought seemed like a very good and fair plan.
Solving Wealth Transition Conflict Through Mediation
Fortunately, the Baileys agreed to retain a skilled mediator. Each family member was individually engaged by the mediator in the design of the mediation process. The mediator was empowered to intervene in difficult conversations about the family’s troubled past to help them stay focused on what they wanted for their shared future.
The mediation did not lead to instantaneous peace and reconciliation, but in addition to negotiating an agreement on a direction for the succession ofthe family assets, it did result in a shared vision for future communication and collaboration in the family.
The technical advisors were re-engaged, leading to an effective wealth transition plan that was agreed to by all family members.
Although the Bailey’s were able to get to a positive outcome through mediation. Mr. Bailey told the mediator that the mediation had saved his family.
The Importance of Communication in Wealth Transition
Unfortunately, the above scenario plays out all too often for families without the same happy ending.
Global statistics show that only 1/3 of families will successfully transition their wealth from the founder generation to the second generation; by the third generation that percentage drops to only 10%.
Research has established that family wealth transition failures are attributable to a variety of factors:
- breakdown in communication and trust (60%)
- lack of preparation of the rising generation (25%)
- no family vision (10%)
- inadequate tax and financial planning (3%)
As happened in the Bailey family, parents tend to focus on the 3%. Typically, a triggering event will push parents to meet with their accountant, tax, and estate advisors.
The common process that ensues is: the parents agree on a plan that is presented to them with few questions asked; they proceed to sign documents without fully understanding how the documents will actually play out; often the documents are then stored in a “safe” location for a future game of hide-and-seek at the most inopportune time.
There is a saying: “plans that affect us but do not involve us, are not for us” which sums up how these approaches typically play out.
Parents rarely involve the rising generation – those who will be affected by the plans – in critical wealth transition discussions. Furthermore, parents don’t do a great job preparing their children to be good owners and stewards of the family wealth they will inherit.
This happens for all kinds of reasons such as:
- planning by default (this is the way our parents/friends/colleagues “did it”)
- this is what our advisors recommended
- we don’t talk about these things in our family
- we just wanted to get it over with and the documents in place
- “father knows best” or “it’s my stuff, so I’ll decide what happens with it and when”
- they are smart kids and they will figure it out
- they know what we would want them to do
- we’ve done our job, it’s up to them after we’re gone
The Emotional Cost of Conflict
Conflict, a prevalent outcome of traditional approaches to wealth transition, frequently results in plans being unwound at great financial expense, with families often headed to litigation.
Even worse, this conflict comes at a high emotional cost. Families can be torn apart for current and future generations: summer vacations, weddings, births, graduations, and other family traditions become tension points instead of something to look forward to.
Excuses are made and events are avoided. Cousins don’t get to know one another or share experiences that create life-long family bonds.
The health of families, our communities, the economy, and charitable institutions are all in play as we face the largest global wealth transition in history. There is too much at stake to not get this right for the Baileys and millions of other families. So how do we get to the 95% and avoid the path of mediation or litigation?
How do we get ahead and stay ahead of conflict?
Subsequent blogs will explore wealth transition processes and tools that focus on the 95% including:
- What would it look like for a family to be able to discuss challenges, concerns, dreams, goals, and opportunities?
- How does a family develop listening, communication, and negotiation skills and learn to have difficult conversations?
- What do decision making and conflict resolution processes in a family look like?
- How can families pursue financial growth and stability, and also nurture each person’s intellectual, social, and human growth?
- Where do our values and vision for the future fit in?
For more help on conflict resolution, click here. You can also view a list of our leadership services here.
Cindy Radu FCPA, LLB, LLM, TEP, ICD.D – Independent Family Wealth Transition Advisor
David Gould LLB QC C – Med, Mediator and Conflict Coach
Cindy and David are members of the Full Spectrum Leadership, Council Team in Residence. For more information about our services, click here.
For more help understanding wealth transition, or to learn more about how we can help you with your development, feel free to contact us today. We offer personal and professional development, conflict mediation and resolution, relationship reconstruction, corporate and individual coaching, and much more.
For more information about this topic contact:
[email protected]
403-801-0234
Jun 30, 2020 | All Posts
Reading Time: 2 minutes
We constantly hear about our “new normal” and the many challenges that we will face during Covid pandemic and beyond. Like always conflict will be one of those challenges, so here are some thoughts about getting ahead of conflict as you create your future in a rapidly changing world.
Once we have decided we will in fact survive the pandemic, it will be natural to focus on the past and on what happened to us. Covid will provide endless opportunities to find fault and blame. When the past becomes our focus, we become trapped in conflict.
Many of the lawyers I know have already reported a surge in Covid related lawsuits. The courts remain closed and thousands of court applications are on hold, jamming up the system and delaying access to justice. I am concerned this surge will become a tidal wave that overwhelms our court system. Given the economic impact of the pandemic I question how many people will be able to afford the cost of litigation. Even if you win how many defendants will have the resources to compensate you? Litigation sucks up time, energy, and money.
Conflict exists in our stories of the past about what happened to us and what we made it mean.
Resolution occurs when we choose to shift our focus from our story of the past about fault and blame to the future and a plan for resolution. Did you know that most litigation settles before it reaches trial? Whether by negotiation, mediation, or another settlement process, those cases settle because the proposed plan for resolution becomes more compelling than the fault and blame story. It’s important to remember that “We are not our stories” (-Peter Comrie).
The past is just a story. Best to leave it in the past. Your life will work better. It all begins with a choice. You are not your story; it is behind you and unchangeable. Ask yourself what you really want your future to be about and choose that.
For more information about this topic contact:
[email protected]
403-801-0234
Apr 19, 2020 | All Posts
Reading Time: 2 minutes
LISTEN TO THE AUDIO VERSION HERE
I have been mediating conflicts for over 30 years, with some of the most complex involving Indigenous communities. A shared understanding between parties at conflict is fundamental to finding a lasting solution. Needless to say, we have some work to do in that regard.
A month ago, roadblocks and rail disruptions dominated our national dialogue. Then, the worst pandemic in modern history swept the world and took over headlines. While this health crisis deserves our full attention, the critical conversations with all Indigenous peoples in Canada have not gone away.
My first mediation with a First Nation occurred in the early 1990s. It took place in a school gymnasium in a small community on the edge of Wood Buffalo National Park. Virtually the whole community from toddlers to grandmothers attended and many had their say. This was my first experience with elders and their commitment to oral history which largely defines the indigenous experience in Canada.
I learned many lessons in that school gym and in other mediations with Indigenous communities. Here are some I offer to you for your consideration:
- Begin by designing the process with them. That’s how I ended up in the gym. Take the time to learn how they want to participate. They have been reaching consensus solutions for hundreds of years.
- Acknowledge and accept their deep commitment to the land and to the environment. It is central to their traditional way of life and how they see the future.
- Listen to the elders. They are the keepers of their oral history which is central to their cultural identity. Indigenous communities across Canada all hold unique identities and their oral histories are integral to their way of being.
- Know that they expect the faults of the past to be acknowledged. Apologies are well and good, but they want and deserve real change for the future. It does not always look like our future.
- Be patient and learn. The lessons of the past need to guide our co-creation of the future. One that truly fosters partnerships and produces shared benefits for all participants.
To defeat this pandemic, we know we must set aside our political posturing and petty grievances and work together as never before. I hope and trust we will remember these lessons of collaboration and continue in the future to engage indigenous communities in a dialogue about future possibilities rather than a debate about past wrongs.
For more information about this topic please contact us at:
[email protected]
403-801-0234
Mar 19, 2020 | All Posts
Reading Time: 2 minutes
Conflict is inevitable and everywhere. In order to prevent it from dominating your life you should strive to be proactive rather than reactive. Following these eight steps will enhance your capacity to manage any conflict by getting out in front of it.
1st – Recognize and accept that you have a potential conflict as early as possible. Step out of your story and look at it objectively
2nd – Acknowledge your emotions but do not let them control you.
3rd – Explore your own story to separate what happened—the facts—from what you made it mean, your judgements, assumptions, and interpretations.
4th – Based on your objective self-analysis make your best guess as to how the other parties see the facts and what they make those facts mean. Put yourself in their shoes and unpack their story for facts and meaning.
5th – Consider what needs to be done with the other side to confirm the facts for both parties. Agreeing on the facts or on a plan to establish the facts is the basis for resolution.
6th – Based on your newfound clarity about both stories, identify the interests, needs and concerns that are most important for each party. Those interests and needs are the building blocks of your options for the future.
7th – Reach out to the other party and invite them to engage with you in a dialogue about a future resolution. Share what you have done to prepare and why.
8th – Meet with the intention to have a dialogue about the future rather than a debate about the ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ of the past.
Following these eight steps will empower you to resolve and minimize your conflicts. You do not have to deal with conflict alone. Family and friends may help however you may need to engage appropriate professional help. Preparation will give you the clarity to get the right help at the right time. Below are some options to consider:
- Conflict Management Coaches. They can work with you to enhance your conflict management competence and help you prepare for negotiations and difficult conversations.
• Mediators. They can custom design and facilitate negotiations for all those involved and act as a neutral 3rd party.
• Lawyers. You want a lawyer who will be an effective litigator, tough on the problem but also focused on opportunities for early settlement. I call this the dual track approach.
Please contact us to book a FREE consultation for all your conflict management needs:
[email protected]
403-801-0234
Below are some of the services we offer:
- Conflict Management Coaching.
- Custom Designed Dispute Resolution Processes.
- Neutral 3rd Party Mediation and Facilitation,
- Workshops and Training Programs.
