mediation – Page 2 – David Gould Mediation and Conflict Coaching

Conflict Defined

Jan 23, 2021 | All Posts

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Conflict is a normal and inevitable part of life.

Conflict occurs when someone acts or fails to act in a way that blocks our access to something that is important to us. It is an event that occurred in our past that we bring into the present and often project into our future.

Conflict in the present is a story about our past.

Imagine the final moments of a championship minor hockey game. The kids have played their hearts out and are locked in a tie game. The stands are filled with cheering family and friends. The referee misses a close call at the blueline and one team scores to win the game. Instantly half the stands are outraged, and half are ecstatic. If you were to meet with parents from each team the next day you would hear two quite different stories of what happened and what they made it mean.

When they bring it forward into the present and enroll those around them in their story of fault and blame, they become trapped in conflict. When caught in this trap our future becomes all about conflict.

We then see families torn apart, friendships destroyed, and fortunes lost in legal battles, all over who is right and wrong.

In my next blog I will share some lessons from my 30 years as a mediator and how they can help you get out in front of conflict.

For more information about the design of your mediation please contact us at: [email protected]

Managing Life’s Inevitable Conflicts

Jan 6, 2021 | All Posts

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Conflict is inevitable and everywhere. It takes courage to acknowledge you have conflict and even more courage to look past fault and blame to your own role in creating that conflict.

This fact of life is often felt in our close relationships.

A family was involved in a dispute over their mothers’ estate. The adult siblings argued over recent changes to the will and whether their mom had the capacity to make those changes. I worked with the estate lawyer and accountant, and helped the parties realize the nature of their conflict and how litigation could completely erode the value of the estate and likely permanently damage family relationships.

The parties were able to look at how and why their own negotiations had broken down in acrimony and blame. They had the courage to look at their own stories and they were able to engage with each other about what really happened and what really mattered. This led to a complete resolution and saved their family.

We are always going to have different stories and different meanings because:

We have different backgrounds and life experiences.
We have different values and beliefs.
We have different information.
We interpret and judge differently.
We have different interests and needs.

Understanding the nature of your conflict and being willing to look at your own contribution to it is a critical first step to future resolution.

When we learn to manage our conflicts effectively our lives simply work better.

This is the first in a series of blogs designed to help you prepare for you own negotiations. Find the following blog in the series here.

For more information about the design of your mediation please contact us at: [email protected]

The Roles of a Mediator

Jan 6, 2021 | All Posts

Reading Time: 2 minutes

I have spent over 30 years designing mediation and ADR processes for complex, multi-party cases.

I’ve often been asked by lawyers or their clients, “Why should we mediate when negotiations have stalled, and we already know what the other side is going to say?” – this is the trap of conflict and it is a runaway train with few ways off short of the courthouse steps.

What does a mediator do? A mediator is a neutral 3rd party empowered by the parties to intervene appropriately to assist the parties in their negotiations.

First, the mediator acts as a facilitator of conversations between parties that empowers them to share their stories of what happened and what they made it mean. The goal of these conversations is to reach a shared understanding about what really matters and not a debate about fault and blame.

Second, the mediator observes the play of emotions in the negotiations and steers the conversation away from fault and blame. Like a hockey referee they blow the offside and help the parties manage the emotions that so often accompany a conflict. They take breaks and help the parties to re-focus and return to effective negotiations.

Third, at the appropriate time and in the right circumstances a mediator acts as an evaluator of the positions that parties or their lawyers take in the negotiation. They provide a reality check about the legal and practical attachments to the past that are the roadblocks and barriers to a resolution.

Mediation is a voluntary process. The power to intervene effectively is granted by the party’s express agreement and commitment to their process. The right balance between these three roles coupled with clear expectations and practical logistics will greatly enhance the success of a mediation.

Mediation is something that is done with the parties not to them or even for them. When conflict goes from an insurmountable task to a mere hurdle to overcome, life simply works better.

For more information about these Steps or assistance with difficult negotiations contact:
[email protected]

403-801-0234

A Mediation for your Unique Case

Nov 26, 2020 | All Posts

Reading Time: 2 minutes

When is mediation most effective?

When we bring our stories of pain, suffering and fault into the present moment we find ourselves trapped in conflict.

Beliefs about right and wrong are closely tied to our identity and values. When we feel that those are threatened, we enroll allies and eventually lawyers to validate our position and weaken our opponents. Communications breakdown and become increasingly adversarial. Long standing business, personal and familial relationships become toxic. The track to the court house looms as the only way to get our interests and needs met.

What makes a mediation work?

Mediations are not all the same. One size does not fit all. It is critically important to select a mediator who understands how to design and conduct a mediation that is right for your unique circumstances.

First, the mediator acts as a facilitator of conversations between parties that empowers them to share their stories of what happened and what they made it mean. The goal of these conversations is to reach a shared understanding about what really matters and not a debate about fault and blame.

Second, the mediator observes the play of emotions in the negotiations and steers the conversation away from fault and blame. Like a hockey referee they blow the offside and help the parties manage the emotions that so often accompany a conflict. They take breaks and help the parties to re-focus and return to effective negotiations.

Third, at the appropriate time and in the right circumstances a mediator acts as an evaluator of the positions that parties or their lawyers take in the negotiation. They provide a reality check about the legal and practical attachments to the past that are the roadblocks and barriers to a resolution.

Mediation is a voluntary process. The power to intervene effectively is granted by the party’s express agreement and commitment to their process. Careful consideration from the onset of the right balance between facilitation and evaluation coupled with a clear understanding of expectations and practical logistics will greatly enhance the chances of success for your mediation.

Mediation is something that is done with the parties not to them or even for them. When conflict goes from an insurmountable task to a mere hurdle to overcome, life simply works better.

For more information about these Steps or assistance with difficult negotiations contact:
[email protected]

403-801-0234

Getting Ahead of Family Conflict – The Art of Difficult Negotiations

Sep 22, 2020 | All Posts

Reading Time: 4 minutes

In the Bailey Family story, we explored what can happen when conflict takes over in a family. (https://www.fullspectrumleadership.com/the-bailey-family-a-family-in-conflict/) The siblings’ school yard conflicts resulted in a refusal to communicate that almost destroyed the family and the family business.

When wealth transition is not planned successfully, it can trap a family in conflict and send them into a financial and emotional crisis. A key part of every conflict is a breakdown in communication. This breakdown often shows up as a difficult conversation when you have something important to discuss, but you can’t decide how to approach it. It just never seems to be the right time or family members don’t seem willing to engage. When these important conversations are ignored, it can lead to conflict and even tear a family apart.

Family Stories and Rumi’s Field

Let’s begin with a simple premise. All conflict exists in our stories of the past about what happened to us and what we made it mean. Almost nowhere in life do we have more stories than in our families. Naturally, we believe in our own story and often assume we know our family members’ stories too.

When the need to discuss business and wealth transition arises, this assumption alone can prevent us from engaging in proper communication with them. Without on open dialogue and the sharing of stories for understanding, these discussions quickly breakdown and fixate on fault and blame of the past. The 13^th century poet Rumi said, “Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” When family conversations find this field, they simply work better.

Six Steps to prepare for Difficult Family Negotiations

Here are six steps to help you prepare to have difficult negotiations with family and how to get them to join you in Rumi’s field.

Recognize that you have a difficult conversation with the potential for conflict as early as possible. Choose to deal with it and to prepare to be successful with your family member(s). If your issue is important avoiding it to keep the peace is a bad tactic.
Explore your own story to separate what actually happened – the facts – from what you made the facts mean. Take a blank sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side write down the facts – the events exactly as they occurred. On the right side write down your meanings. These are your interpretations, judgements, and assumptions about those facts.
Take another sheet of paper with a line down the middle. Make your best guess as to how your family member(s) see the facts and what they make those facts mean. Put yourself in their shoes and be as honest and objective as possible.
Put the two sheets of paper side by side and identify where the facts and meanings are in conflict. I think you will find that many of your conflicts are on the meaning side.
Identify what interests and needs are really most important to both sides. These interests and needs are the building blocks of your future resolution. Consider what you might do independently and in collaboration with the other party to clarify any factual conflicts and clear up misunderstandings. Agreeing on facts or a plan to establish the facts can be an excellent basis for productive negotiations.
As you do this work acknowledge your emotions but do not let them control you. It is these strong emotions triggered by our story of the past and what happened to us that traps us in conflict.
It is now time to approach the other side for this important conversation. This is an invitation, not a demand. Both sides are invited to be part of a dialogue about the future and what’s possible. This is not a debate about the past and fault and blame. Here are some hints about how to get the other person to engage:
- Share what you have done to prepare and why you think this conversation matters to you and them.
- Share your commitment to focus on the future and what is possible and not stay stuck in the past.
- Share your understanding of what your preparation taught you about what was most important to them. Commit to listen to them as they confirm and clarify their story. Seek first to understand.
- Acknowledge the emotions as they arise and just as they are. Let them know you understand the impacts on them and share the impacts on you.
- It takes commitment to stay in the conversation when things get hard. It is okay to take a break and let things cool down but re engage as soon as you can.

For some difficult negotiations you may feel you need some help with your preparation. Look to your professional advisors, your business coach, your accountant, your lawyer, or your financial planner. They are generally committed to your future and often willing to help with your preparations. Remember you want their objective insights not just their agreement with your story. Finally, your family wealth transition may need a professional intervention. You can consider engaging a mediator to work with you to design and facilitate an effective intervention.

For more information about these Steps or assistance with difficult negotiations contact:
[email protected]

403-801-0234