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For over 30 years I helped people resolve conflicts as a mediator and arbitrator. Unfortunately, many of these interventions occurred late in the conflict after much of the damage had been done. I saw families and friendships torn apart, business go bankrupt and fortunes spent on litigation.

We are always going to have difficult negotiations. If not handled properly they can lead to a full-blown conflict. There is no way to avoid negotiations and conflicts entirely. They are an inevitable part of a full, rich life, but if I can give one piece of advice it is to plan and prepare for your negotiations early before they spiral out of control and consume time, money and energy.

The first thing you need to do is recognize that you have a potential conflict brewing as early as possible. A telltale sign is when someone does something or fails to do something that blocks your access to what really matters to you. When feelings of anger, frustration, or betrayal trigger thoughts of fault and blame the story you tell yourself and those around you traps you in conflict.

At this early stage you must also be willing to look at your own story objectively and consider your own part in creating the conflict. You can certainly get help from your family and friends but remember you want their objective observations and support for your preparation. You DO NOT want them to buy in to your “poor me” story of fault and blame.

In my next blog I will share a great tool for un-packing conflict stories.

For more information about preparing for negotiation please contact us at:
[email protected]

403-801-0234

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I have spent over 30 years designing mediation and ADR processes for complex, multi-party cases.

I’ve often been asked by lawyers or their clients, “Why should we mediate when negotiations have stalled, and we already know what the other side is going to say?” – this is the trap of conflict and it is a runaway train with few ways off short of the courthouse steps.

What does a mediator do? A mediator is a neutral 3rd party empowered by the parties to intervene appropriately to assist the parties in their negotiations.

First, the mediator acts as a facilitator of conversations between parties that empowers them to share their stories of what happened and what they made it mean. The goal of these conversations is to reach a shared understanding about what really matters and not a debate about fault and blame.

Second, the mediator observes the play of emotions in the negotiations and steers the conversation away from fault and blame. Like a hockey referee they blow the offside and help the parties manage the emotions that so often accompany a conflict. They take breaks and help the parties to re-focus and return to effective negotiations.

Third, at the appropriate time and in the right circumstances a mediator acts as an evaluator of the positions that parties or their lawyers take in the negotiation. They provide a reality check about the legal and practical attachments to the past that are the roadblocks and barriers to a resolution.

Mediation is a voluntary process. The power to intervene effectively is granted by the party’s express agreement and commitment to their process. The right balance between these three roles coupled with clear expectations and practical logistics will greatly enhance the success of a mediation.

Mediation is something that is done with the parties not to them or even for them. When conflict goes from an insurmountable task to a mere hurdle to overcome, life simply works better.

For more information about these Steps or assistance with difficult negotiations contact:
[email protected]

403-801-0234

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When is mediation most effective?

When we bring our stories of pain, suffering and fault into the present moment we find ourselves trapped in conflict.

Beliefs about right and wrong are closely tied to our identity and values. When we feel that those are threatened, we enroll allies and eventually lawyers to validate our position and weaken our opponents. Communications breakdown and become increasingly adversarial. Long standing business, personal and familial relationships become toxic. The track to the court house looms as the only way to get our interests and needs met. 

What makes a mediation work?

Mediations are not all the same. One size does not fit all. It is critically important to select a mediator who understands how to design and conduct a mediation that is right for your unique circumstances.

First, the mediator acts as a facilitator of conversations between parties that empowers them to share their stories of what happened and what they made it mean. The goal of these conversations is to reach a shared understanding about what really matters and not a debate about fault and blame.

Second, the mediator observes the play of emotions in the negotiations and steers the conversation away from fault and blame. Like a hockey referee they blow the offside and help the parties manage the emotions that so often accompany a conflict. They take breaks and help the parties to re-focus and return to effective negotiations.

Third, at the appropriate time and in the right circumstances a mediator acts as an evaluator of the positions that parties or their lawyers take in the negotiation. They provide a reality check about the legal and practical attachments to the past that are the roadblocks and barriers to a resolution.

Mediation is a voluntary process. The power to intervene effectively is granted by the party’s express agreement and commitment to their process.  Careful consideration from the onset of the right balance between facilitation and evaluation coupled with a clear understanding of expectations and practical logistics will greatly enhance the chances of success for your mediation.

Mediation is something that is done with the parties not to them or even for them. When conflict goes from an insurmountable task to a mere hurdle to overcome, life simply works better.

For more information about these Steps or assistance with difficult negotiations contact:
[email protected]

403-801-0234